I now see the ways our words
built a home made of straw
I mistook for cement
A mirage of sorts
Skylines made of buildings without outlines
How humbling it is
to find I fell for my own wishes—
How brilliant to not light a match
but instead simply exhale
and let it fall
A home made of concepts
was never a home at all—
It was simply walls
etched in storylines
discovered in the fall
Over the past several months I have written some of the best poetry of my life. It has been edgy, potent, and powerful. This one is but a fraction of what has poured out of me. Additionally, I have been learning a lot about grief, anger, and empowerment, all of which have made their way to my pages. I am both excited and nervous about releasing it into the world. Most people are used to reading my ‘softer’ work, which serves as a bridge between the human and divine self.
Recently, time has become an expression of internal alchemization. I have discovered heartbreak is a potent catalyzer for empowerment. You contract a bit, purge, recalibrate, and expand. I have witnessed the seemingly oppositional emotions, needs, and desires all wanting a voice. All wanting their needs met. This is precisely why grief can be so difficult. It is not one emotional experience, but many intertwined. I think it is pretty obvious the poem was written about a man and my experience of our transition. I believe that relationships are a roadmap to our evolution if we know how to use them, and so I have found myself throwing all that arises into the lap of the Divine over and over again.
We also have an opportunity to look at our patterns and where we have given away our power. We all have our soul lessons after all. My lessons have involved learning how to let go… in every sense of the word. I was not just grieving the loss of the relationship as I knew it, but also the loss of how I viewed who he was in my life. I kept fighting to keep things beautiful between us. I wanted him to sit in the lighthouse I felt he had always lived in. But I couldn’t. And yet, I know deep down he is a beautiful man. And that is the thing about grief, we move from hurt to anger to love and back around again. We struggle to find a path out so that our feet can point in the right direction. Mine have been continuously telling me that I have to claim my own heart. I have to stake a claim for me. And so finally, at forty, I am.
Yet, emotions cannot be bypassed and integrated simultaneously. We feel to heal. So first, I had to take time to be with my anger. As I peer into this, I realize it was so strong because I felt the most sacred part of me, and us, was dishonored. When mental concepts and verbal agreements override the sanctity of energy, there is a disconnect. The Tantric and Kundalini path speak directly into the fact that women carry the energy of their most recent lover in their body for an extended period of time post-relationship. And the more open her heart is, the deeper the soul connection, the more heightened this experience will be for her. And so while someone’s intention may not be to hurt us, the impact can be severe.
I am not here to blame men, instead, I am talking about patterns. In fact, I spent last spring looking at my ‘wounded’ feminine and how that was showing up in relationship. I truly believe if we took more responsibility for our shadow selves, there would be less women staying with men to feel safe, loved, and supported. And there would be fewer men moving from woman to woman to fill something within them or trying to cope with a loss through relationship/sex. All I know is that I have never felt so heartbroken, but the gift is that I am emerging anew. Somehow, I am starting to feel as if this laid the foundation within me to create monumental shifts in every area of my life.
The one thing I can say with certainty is that we are all doing the best we can. We all deserve compassion and forgiveness. In the moments when we can see the soul expression in the one before us, we understand we are the same. And when we see their wounds, we see our own. It takes some time, and shifting ourselves into prayer and meditation that focuses us back toward ourselves, allows our attention to remain with what needs to transform within us. It is our own healing that we are after. It is our own journey we are here to walk.
I send waves of love to you all. May we all become the most beautiful version of ourselves through our willingness to be open, vulnerable, and powerful. May we continue to create art with our lives. May we break open in the most glorious of ways.
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